I saw Buckington talking to a hefty woman, who was wearing a hat, that would look gaudy at the Kentucky Derby.

“You don’t sweat much for a fat woman,” he said, patting her shoulder. “So that’s a good thing, and you got a nice face. Do you and the hubby do it doggy style, or what?”

“I don’t think I should answer that question,” she said.

“All righty then,” Buckington said. “Well, it was nice meetin’ you, and good luck with all your troubles.”

He walked over to an ice filled chest, and grabbed a bottle of beer, noticing me watching him.

“What’s shakin’, Dick? I was just givin’ that fat broad a pep talk. It’s the new me, more caring, and shit. She’s so damn big that she probably uses a sheep for a tampon. What a sexy fuckin’ commercial eh? That Twatilda makes my dick harder than trippin’ a dog, I swear, and she’s a virgin of all things. So… I’m drunk, Dick.”

...

“You’re both fuckin’ stupid,” Nison said walking away. “I came over here to have a nice conversation, and you two are just too stupid to talk to. Fuck off.”

“Feisty little drunk, isn’t she?” I said watching her weave away.

“Nison’s like a Slinky,” Buckington said. “They’re not really good for anything, but you have to smile when you see one tumble down the steps.”

...

“Or her ass from first base,” Sue said. “If she’s a genius, then I’m a Taiwanese prostitute. I have to tell you, Dick. Twatilda’s commercial made me hornier than I already was, and that’s sayin’ something.”

“I think it made everybody here horny,” I said. “Those boys have been watching it over and over again, for a half hour or more. They might have wet dreams about Twatilda tonight.”

“I might too,” Sue said giggling. “I’ve never been with a girl before, but if I had my pick I think I’d choose Twatilda, or Rhonda here, of course. They’re like the most beautiful girls in the world, so yummy and scrumptious I could eat them up.”

“What are you two horn dogs giggling about?” Rhonda asked, blurry eyed.

“If Sue turns into a lesbian,” I said, “then she’d like to pick either you, or Twatilda, as her lover. She thinks you’re beautiful.”

“Well, thank you, Sweetie,” Rhonda said, giving Sue a hug. “You’d have to add yourself to that most beautiful category, you sexy little thing.”

Go Back to The Village of Butt: Number Two Excerpts